Posted on Jul 9th, 2006
by
jerry
o life how confusing you are! I taste the order, sense direction for a piece of my eternity, then the feeling is gone. How I long for that remembered warm comfort when I was a part of you. The long tragedy, the sudden end, the silence after the crash. Laying in the dark four corners contemplating why? Then, how? Then the slow realization, It doesn't matter anymore. Darkness, silence. Is there anything out there? Has all there is gone forever? Awareness. I'm still here. Memories flash quickly and are replaced by more. O life, please make this stop. Life, if there is a Life, please identify yourself. Let me see the plan. Again, it doesn't matter anymore. O life, the longing, the sobbing, gut clinching longing. The pictures in my mind stop. A long sigh. What now? Slower pictures forming, like a fade in. Blackness, cut diagonally with a soft clean lightness. Stars flung randomly across a black velvet dome. An occasional unknown face. A strong sense that this is life. All. Life. Suddenly the warmth seeps in. From outside in. A feeling of peace. A feeling of comfort. Life. I'm not alone. A cosmic beach. Grains of sand. Each one necessary to complete the beach. Life would not be complete without every grain existing in the space/time created for it. A smile in the dark. Who's is it? Mine. Dizzy. Sobs of laughter, out of joy well up. There is Life! The confusion is gone. I sense the order. I am carried up, even above the blackness. I see a flashing glimpse of the big picture. I feel more complete. No fear. No tomorrow. No past. I forget myself. Who am I? It doesn't matter. All that matters is life. The whole. All. Thank you Life for showing me what I sought all MY life. Now I know. New life. Remember....Remember.
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Posted on Jul 18th, 2006
by
jerry
I just read my good friend Tony's blog about growth through a challenging time. I too, have had a recent feeling of growth. I wish I had more time to devote to this site. I feel expanded after I read some different posts, on some different pods. I feel that exposing myself to the energy here helps diminish my self , and that in turn makes me happy. This past weekend I broke out of my routine. I am very much a creature of habit, and breaking routine is not always comfortable. This time, though I wasn't too out of sync. I have been shaken loose from my semi-lethargic state by the ideas and positive energy here at Zaadz. Tony turned me on to this site out of the blue. So, I contribute my yawning, eye-rubbing, wake up to this serendipitous event, and not the other way around. I'm always searching, or at least looking for a sign, but the trail had grown cold. I am amazed at how my perception changes when the subtle shift to spiritual paradigms gels into reality. The most awesome thing about this awarenessis I can have as much as I can get, and it won't hurt me! God give me awareness of your way, and strength to go along. jerry
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Posted on Jul 25th, 2006
by
jerry
I have a saying," my life ain't half bad, as long as I don't think it is". I also have said," I need to remember to be grateful when things are good, and when things are bad I need to be grateful things aren't worse!" I'm getting to know a person better. We spent a lot of time together this past weekend. I have tried to follow a spiritual path for a little over four years. This person is just starting. Through surrender. The same way I had to be shown what's really important in this life. I'm blown away by this persons insights. I'm supposed to be the "teacher" here! (tongue in cheek). We talk about God mainly, and how to manifest this in our lives. Ive prayed, or affirmed, or shown the universe my intention, that I would welcome this sort of interaction on a spiritual level. First comes Zaadz, then this person. I feel washed over with the mystical energy of the Universe. I know nothing has changed but my awareness, but, what else is there? thanx for existing! jerry
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Posted on Jul 28th, 2006
by
jerry
This has been a way too full week for me. I've let the beast out of the basement. I had it starved down, and weak, so it wasn't a nuisance, and left the door unguarded, and BAM!, out it came. It won't let me alone. It's making me miserable. I've let it feed, and now it's powerful. More powerful than I. I'm going to try to sneak away. Maybe it won't notice I've gone. Maybe it won't follow me. I have to try to get to safety. I've been safe before, sometimes I remember how to get there. The best place I know to try to find safety, right now, is at the church. Doris, Connie, and Freddie, will be there, maybe. We read out of the book on thursday nite. It doesn't like it when I read out of the book. Sometimes just a sentence, or a word will send it back to the cellar. Sounds like a horror story, huh? Worse. Reality. It's a good thing I create my own reality, or it would really suck.
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Posted on Jul 29th, 2006
by
jerry
Hello, Di, Yes, I think it was the dove icon. Thanks for your words of encouragement. Diving in and letting the water surround me is a good visual of the solution I didn't know I sought. The humanness in me often seeks more than is due, like a child crying for more candy. I am finding more and more that my answers come, when I try to make contact with other spirits. Now, a couple of days later, I see more of the “big picture”, and it's easier to accept. I get into self, and am completely deluded that I'm not, or that there is some other answer. When I open my mind to you, or others, that energy becomes my new operating paradigm, and I change. My reality merges with others, and the shift to divinity becomes more complete. It's easy to me to forget to think outside the walls of my physical reality. That has been my difficulty on my spiritual journey. My physical senses are much more “in my face”, than the more subtle, but infinitely more powerful universal consciousness that I believe to be the real journey. Your intention of reaching out to blog to three other people here at Zaadz is great. I will strive to do this. Oh, and I believe the lizard has a divine purpose that it will probably realize long before I do. Love, and Peace to you Di. jerry
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Posted on Jul 30th, 2006
by
jerry
I got to go see three of my children who are still home with their mother this weekend. This friday was my daughters eighteenth birthday. It was extra special to me, because the last birthday of hers I was there for was her seventh. I've taken a different path in life for the last four years eleven months, and have been blessed by slowly being back in my children's lives. They live two and a half hours away, and on the way home today my thoughts were on this weekends activities. There was a time, when my life was unmanagable by me, that the trip home would be a sad, and self-pitiful eternity. I have tried to get right with the universe, and as a result, I am blessed by taking part in their lives again. Today there was always a smile coming, or going from my face, as I replayed this weekend in my mind. Things are so different now, for only the small amount of time I've spent on my new journey. The guilt and shame of the past, is mostly understood, and laid down. I live mostly in the moment, and have more capacity to fully experience now, and all the blessings as they happen. Watching her blow out her candles, while aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, cousins, mother, step dad, and me sang "happy birthday", brought a tears of happiness, not self pity to my eyes. Watching her open the gift I brought her, and watching her true happiness in receiving it made my heart swell. I've learned that before, I tried to use my children to feel better about myself. Now, I am very much aware, and on guard that doesn't happen. My only job concerning my children, is to do my best to make them happy, no matter what. True unconditional love has been my goal where my children, especially, are concerned. As I sit here writing, I'm tired. We swam and played basketball, and up until after twelve talking. I am also at peace. Once more God has done for me what I could not do for myself. My life is again in perspective. Thank you.
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