reply to my zaadz friend Raisin

Re: :)

Hello, Candiace. Thank you for caring. I haven't felt inspired lately. I'm sorry your comment didn't go through. I needed a shot of something. I  wrote those blogs to bring out the thoughts that were arguing in my head. I don't believe that I could give away something positive if I didn't already posess it. The part of me that feels unsure, lacking, and less than sometimes speaks loud enough that I listen to it. Sometimes, without consciously knowing it, my mind is in the past, or the future, and things don't seem right. I have to constantly be aware of myself in the present, to recognize this. This is part of the journey I'm on. I noticed in my blogs, the energy was taking a nose dive for awhile before I bottomed out. The blogging was my search to realize where and what the disease was about. Looking back, I wasn't wrong, false, or delusional about the goodness of intent I felt, and resonated to here at Zaadz. The discomfort came from the part of me that still doubts. Another way my subtle ego was trying to manipulate me into seeing things it's way. I, too, know intellectually that expectation leads to disappointment. It felt like, in hindsight, talking too long without taking a breath. I was trying to give on the same level as always, but wasn't replenishing the source. I think, as I mentioned in a blog, that backing off and taking a breather is finding balance. I have several troublesome character traits, and one is all or nothing. Full speed until I crash, and pay later. I recognize this in myself before, and after I'm in it. So when I'm not in it, I try to practice balance, awareness, and a loving detachment to myself and the World to try to prevent an eventual runaway chain reaction.  All part of the ebb, and flow of energy that is my life. I try to remember not to sweat the small stuff, and more importantly, it's all small stuff ! Your energy has helped me to stick my head back in the door and see what's going on in the next room. Thanks for hollarin at me. Good to you Candiace.        jerry