Re: :)

Hello, Candiace. Thank you for caring. I haven't felt inspired lately. I'm sorry your comment didn't go through. I needed a shot of something. I  wrote those blogs to bring out the thoughts that were arguing in my head. I don't believe that I could give away something positive if I didn't already posess it. The part of me that feels unsure, lacking, and less than sometimes speaks loud enough that I listen to it. Sometimes, without consciously knowing it, my mind is in the past, or the future, and things don't seem right. I have to constantly be aware of myself in the present, to recognize this. This is part of the journey I'm on. I noticed in my blogs, the energy was taking a nose dive for awhile before I bottomed out. The blogging was my search to realize where and what the disease was about. Looking back, I wasn't wrong, false, or delusional about the goodness of intent I felt, and resonated to here at Zaadz. The discomfort came from the part of me that still doubts. Another way my subtle ego was trying to manipulate me into seeing things it's way. I, too, know intellectually that expectation leads to disappointment. It felt like, in hindsight, talking too long without taking a breath. I was trying to give on the same level as always, but wasn't replenishing the source. I think, as I mentioned in a blog, that backing off and taking a breather is finding balance. I have several troublesome character traits, and one is all or nothing. Full speed until I crash, and pay later. I recognize this in myself before, and after I'm in it. So when I'm not in it, I try to practice balance, awareness, and a loving detachment to myself and the World to try to prevent an eventual runaway chain reaction.  All part of the ebb, and flow of energy that is my life. I try to remember not to sweat the small stuff, and more importantly, it's all small stuff ! Your energy has helped me to stick my head back in the door and see what's going on in the next room. Thanks for hollarin at me. Good to you Candiace.        jerry

I joined Zaadz on July fourth, this year. I experienced a good feeling from touching so many good souls here. I had joy exploring all the new ways to contribute, and expressing spiritual energy from electronic dialogue. For three weeks I felt compelled to sit in front of the computer and search and learn from you. Around a few days before the fifth of August, my priorities shifted. I was moved more into the direct personal contact Zaadz couldn't offer. I think interaction here is like a tool for me to use to hone my perception of All, then carry it into the more personal, "get it on me" world I walk and live in. I love Zaadz. I love the intent of Zaadz. The people here have awesome energy to give. I've just not been motivated to stay here like I had been. In a way I feel guilty, a little bit, because I feel like I'm not living up to an obligation I started by sharing with the energy here. I'm sharing this with all because of the feeling to be whole. Finding balance in my life has been a job for me, and this is just part of balancing between the more outside world, and the more inside world.

I'm writing this to share me with whomever. I'v stared at my last entry a couple of times, and even started to write once. I feel like I need to contribute something to Zaadz, and to me sharing me is what it's about. I also share me to other people's blogs. I try to uplift, and send positive energy to people I resonate to. Referring to my last post though, I have to be careful that there aren't any strings attached to my gifts of positivity. I receive blessings from acts of unconditional love, but I have to have unconditional love before I can give it away. My ego sometimes tricks me into thinking that telling someone kind things is spreading the love energy that is all, and in reality, ego just feels less than, and needs a lift up. I want to truly, unconditionally, give everyone, everywhere, peace, and fullfillment, but sometimes the truth is that I don't have it to give. I'm not depressed, or trying for sympathy, or feeling less than. I'm just trying to affirm the truth to this reality for me, through writing this. Is it wrong to wish, or intend good for others when I don't feel as happy and free as my words might imply? I just had a thought about my grandmother, that tells me no.  I found out later, as an adult, why she and my grandad slept in seperate rooms, and were never seen being affectionate to one another. Yet always she was giving, thoughtful, loving, kind, tolerant, and understanding to everyone around her. Even when I'm sure she felt less than, she never let it affect me, or anyone I ever saw. She was my mother Theresa. Maybe some of her is in me. I believe I am the accumulation of all my experiences, so am I not a part of her also? I have practiced a spiritual outlook on life for five years, thirteen days, now, and part of that is trying to help others feel better. I just don't want to be selfish, and self centered, because that leads to a fantasy reality that can kill me. Hope that wasn't too strong. I nearly took that off, but truth. I'm rambling, but sometimes I think unstructured thoughts show more of the truth, than letting the different me's get ahold of it. I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. ha. I really and truly wish to give whatever peace energy I may have to all who need it. Thank you all for being there. My soul to yours.                      jerry

I've been roaming the halls of Zaadz looking for something. I dialogged last week, with several people here. I invited a couple of people to be friends, whom I felt a connection to. I read, and commented on several pod posts, and personal blogs. I felt connected, plugged in. I had a feeling of anticipation. Still do. This weekend I went to SanAngelo, to do my mini-vacation/spiritual retreat, and the continuity seems to be diminished regarding connection to ZaadZ. I'm not getting that feeling of connectedness I had last week. I've been here before. I know all I do is keep practicing, and I'll get somewhere else before long. I believe I'm not getting the fullness I felt last week is because I'm looking for it. It kinda reminds me of quantum physics, when you observe a particle, you change it with the energy it takes to observe it. When I'm on a search, I'm slightly negative on the energy scale. I'm trying to take energy, on a small scale. I'm subtly trying to recapture the peace, and feeling of wholeness, I felt talking to you last week. It goes back to my creedo, I have to try to give it away, to keep it. Knowing this on an intellectual level, doesn't make it easier for me to attain. I guess I need to try some meditation. Talking it through here seems to help also. Thank you for being there.                                       Much Peace.                             jerry

I have taken pleasure from being in and around Zaadz. I had never known places like this were around. I just never thought about it. I had seen the ad on the back of "Science of mind" magazine, but never gave it serious thought. My enlightened friend Tony turned me on to Zaadz. Since joining, I have expanded my mind along a fourth dimension. I didn't know places like "My Space" existed until after I belonged to Zaadz. I don't know much about "my space", but I thought, what's to prevent people with selfish motives from preying on the people there? One of the things that drew me to Zaadz was I had to submit intention to someone here to be "accepted". I think every one has some agenda, even if it's having no agenda, but from what I've seen and felt here the commonality is spiritual agenda. Faith in something, belief in pure goodness, and the urge to spread that goodness around are the norms here. I received an e-mail from one of my Zaadz friends this morning that struck a chord. A negative chord. Must be my ego. Anyway it was copied off an ad to protest the president. I'm not into politics. I'm not into religion. I'm not into controversy on this level, and to see something that distasteful first thing kinda brought up some old behavior. I e-mailed this person asking that nothing like this be sent to me, and removed them from my  friends list. I feel strongly that commercializing, or spreading selfish agendas, or trying to coerce belief on others takes away from the energy here. I have to be here for purely altruistic motives or the meaning is lost. I'm probably way too worked up about this. If someone can help put this into perspective for me, please give me a hand.     Peace all around,                                                       jerry

I've been spending more and more time here in Zaadz land. My friend Di suggests visiting three  blogs and sharing with. I've been to several today, and I am full of positive energy, and peace of spirit because of it. Part of me wants to analyze this and say "well, it's good therapy", but I'd rather call it connecting to the Source. I believe the feeling of belonging, and connectedness to the human race, is the panacea (could'nt think of another word) for my feeling of dis-ease. I get medicine here. I pursue that feeling of connectedness about nine hours a week, within a fellowship. That is my discipline, this is more freeform. I am always looking for ways to evolve, and learn/grow in spirit, and Zaadz has been a joy to explore. No where else have I found great minds and souls laid bare for my inspection. I'm not always ready, or capable of assimilating what is here, but the more I expose myself, the more capable I become. I am in awe of the goodness of intent here. The exchange of ideas, and positive energy is what makes this so appealing to me. Zaadz is changing me, and as I change for the better, so does the world.                                   jerry

Namaste, Lisa Dawn, I envy you all the events and people you must meet at the cycling events you talked about. I've been pretty much a lone rider, except when I go to SanAngelo and ride with Tony. One of my goals is to enter an event. I've had opportunities, but shyness, ego, dollars, prevent me so far. I've shown the universe my intention though! There are small hills around here. Some pretty steep, (subjective). South, towards SanAngelo, though, are some bigger hills ( mile or more of grade). I took my west loop today. Got a late start so only did sixteen miles. Averaged twenty mph. I have started running, at lunchtime, on the treadmill to increase my endurance, and have been standing up and attacking the hills. I try to gain speed going up. Theres one hill that I have to go down to small chainring, and third to climb. When I first started two years ago it was first gear and eight to nine mph at the top. Today I made it at seventeen mph. Course I thought I was going to pass out after I topped the hill. Ha. The first year and a half I rode an old BCA twelve speed with inch and a quarter tires. Good conditioning! I got my new bike in January of this year. Since February I've put twenty four hundred plus on the road bike. I test rode a carbon bike before buying, but I guess I was too used to a rigid frame. It felt like riding a snake. Maybe on the next upgrade. Mine is an alloy. I had a twelve tooth small gear and replaced it with an eleven. Now its a fifty three x eleven gear ratio. I'm getting a fifty four large chainring soon. When you asked if it was a carbon, I decided to take a picture and put it on my page. Check it out. We're in a drought here. There were thunderstorm clouds in the west, and they were real pretty to look at on my ride. There was about a twenty mph crosswind, from the ssw. It was about ninety six degrees. The clouds hid the sun though, and it was a nice ride. I try to remember to thank God after every ride. There were times in my life that I would have given anything to have the freedom to get out on a lonesome country blacktop and just ride to be riding. Lots of cotton fields here. Mostly flat with rolling hills and caprock hills in the distance. Lots of mesquite covered pasture land to break the monotony of the fields. There was a haze in the distance, that hasn't been around in quite awhile. Heard some thunder, and saw one tall streak of lightning with bright white clouds behind it about a mile and a half away. Writing like this is a blessing. I journel. I have for a little over four years now, but lately I've noticed that the words are more about facts of the day, and not about how I felt. Blogging and reading interesting people, like you, here at Zaadz, is helping my mind to expand. (that almost sounded like i'm getting a big-head) ha. Thank you for your kind attention, Lisa Dawn. I like what you did with your page. Good pictures, cheerful to behold. Joy, Peace, and Love to you,                        jerry

I got to go see three of my children who are still home with their mother this weekend. This friday was my daughters eighteenth birthday. It was extra special to me, because the last birthday of hers I was there for was her seventh. I've taken a different path in life for the last four years eleven months, and have been blessed by slowly being back in my children's lives. They live two and a half hours away, and on the way home today my thoughts were on this weekends activities. There was a time, when my life was unmanagable by me, that the trip home would be a sad, and self-pitiful eternity. I have tried to get right with the universe, and as a result, I am blessed by taking part in their lives again. Today there was always a smile coming, or going from my face, as I replayed this weekend in my mind. Things are so different now, for only the small amount of time I've spent on my new journey. The guilt and shame of the past, is mostly understood, and laid down. I live mostly in the moment, and have more capacity to fully experience now, and all the blessings as they happen. Watching her blow out her candles, while aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, cousins, mother, step dad, and me sang "happy birthday", brought a tears of happiness, not self pity to my eyes. Watching her open the gift I brought her, and watching her true happiness in receiving it made my heart swell. I've learned that before, I tried to use my children to feel better about myself. Now, I am very much aware, and on guard that doesn't happen. My only job concerning my children, is to do my best to make them happy, no matter what. True unconditional love has been my goal where my children, especially, are concerned. As I sit here writing, I'm tired. We swam and played basketball, and up until after twelve talking. I am also at peace. Once more God has done for me what I could not do for myself. My life is again in perspective. Thank you.

Hello, Di, Yes, I think it was the dove icon. Thanks for your words of encouragement. Diving in and letting the water surround me is a good visual of the solution I didn't know I sought. The humanness in me often seeks more than is due, like a child crying for more candy. I am finding more and more that my answers come, when I try to make contact with other spirits. Now, a couple of days later, I see more of the “big picture”, and it's easier to accept. I get into self, and am completely deluded that I'm not, or that there is some other answer. When I open my mind to you, or others, that energy becomes my new operating paradigm, and I change. My reality merges with others, and the shift to divinity becomes more complete. It's easy to me to forget to think outside the walls of my physical reality. That has been my difficulty on my spiritual journey. My physical senses are much more “in my face”, than the more subtle, but infinitely more powerful universal consciousness that I believe to be the real journey. Your intention of reaching out to blog to three other people here at Zaadz is great. I will strive to do this. Oh, and I believe the lizard has a divine purpose that it will probably realize long before I do. Love, and Peace to you Di. jerry

 This has been a way too full week for me. I've let the beast out of the basement. I had it starved down, and weak, so it wasn't a nuisance, and left the door unguarded, and BAM!, out it came. It won't let me alone. It's making me miserable. I've let it feed, and now it's powerful. More powerful than I. I'm going to try to sneak away. Maybe it won't notice I've gone. Maybe it won't follow me. I have to try to get to safety. I've been safe before, sometimes I remember how to get there. The best place I know to try to find safety, right now, is at the church. Doris, Connie, and Freddie, will be there, maybe. We read out of the book on thursday nite. It doesn't like it when I read out of the book. Sometimes just a sentence, or a word will send it back to the cellar. Sounds like a horror story, huh? Worse. Reality. It's a good thing I create my own reality, or it would really suck.